Thank god this wasn’t around when I was a kid, or I’d have the mouth of a fucking truck driver.
Actually this is a good news/bad news kind of product. The good news is that you can wash your hands with slices of bacon! The bad news… it smells like honey and vanilla. Booooo. Oh well, it’s still cool.
Bonus points if you clean up your work area with this while talking on your burger phone.
The Mini Hamburger Crumb Vacuum will retail for $11.99 and measures 4″ in diameter and 3″ tall. It is powered by a couple of AA batteries and a hunger for cleanliness.
Bacon Beans
It’s a bacon bonanza! Sixty bacon flavored jelly beans come in each 6-1/2″ x 1-1/2″ x 1″ bacon-shaped tin. Not quite as tasty as real bacon, but better for your arteries.
Toss these right into a batch of Jelly Bellies. Popcorn and Bacon jelly beans?? Yes.
| Bacon Jelly Beans item 11849 $5.95 ea. |
Captain Corndog vs. Baron Von Broccoli
It’s the brawl to end them all! Captain Corndog and Baron Von Broccoli will settle their ongoing feud once and for all in a knock-down, drag-out battle. The winner will become the undisputed feature dish of your kitchen! Captain Corndog stands 5-3/4″ tall and fights for the delicious legion of carnival food. Baron Von Broccoli is 3-3/8″ tall and represents the power of produce. Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs.
Editors notes:
First, why does Captain Corndog get the eye patch instead of Baron Von Broccoli?? If I asked you to close your eyes and imagine Baron Von Broccoli and then sketch it, you’d give him an eye patch. Epic afro by the way. And check out Captain Corndog’s legs, I love how he has one stick leg and one aftermarket appendage. Although I bet money the first design gave him two aftermarket legs and the stick part looked all kinds of wrong.
I also have an urge to see these guys in a breakdance battle. Von Broccoli would kick it off with a little top-rock and then down into a 10 minute head spin. Easy.
| Captain Corndog vs. Baron Von Broccoli item 11913 $9.95 ea. |
Not sure if these are for sale or not, but they’re designed by Thwart Design and are fucking awesome.
Someone needs to make a sweat band version of these. Wrist and head band. Someone get on it.
Put your hands over your hearts and salute the flag, kids.
I’m pretty sure this is the kind of shit I would have purchased 10 of, had I been a teenage celebrity. Now that I’m a mature adult, with a sophisticated sense of humor, I want to buy one and bring it to tailgate parties outside of baseball games and act offended like people are rude for asking for food from me. “Just because I have a cart, I’m obliged to sell my dinner to you? This is my food, man, fuck off.”
Whether you’re into Big Apple nostalgia or just happen to love hot dogs, this New York Hot Dog Vendor Cart ($5,500) is sure to make your day. Made of food-grade 18-gauge stainless steel, the cart features two 20″ pneumatic wheels, two handles, three removable steamer trays (that can each hold up to 20 hot dogs or sausages), a propane tank hookup (which provides fuel for the dual burner assembly), an integrated 3,000 cubic inch cooler, and a removable umbrella.
Hey, are you a competitive jerk? Well now you can cook up your brats 3 minutes faster! It’ll give you more time to walk around your BBQ and regale your guests with more of your high school football stories. You ass.
The weather has turned warm, and that means it’s time to break out the grill. And with the Kingsford Competition Briquets you’ll grill like an expert even if it’s your first time behind the fire. These cook-off quality briquets combine the higher heat you’d expect from lump charcoal with the long-lasting and consistent burn you’re used to from traditional briquets, perfect for a quick sear or a slow BBQ. Available in 12-pound ($10) and 16.5-pound ($17) bags. It’s time to show ol’ boy next door whose grilling skills are superior.
Go ahead and act like your kids wouldn’t love this shit…
This ridiculous doohickey does only one thing… actually one very weird thing. The aptly named Octodog ($16) turns an average hot dog into a tiny octopus. Just slip a wiener in the Octodog, pop in the eyes, and push down to create your little 8-armed meat buddy. Then tell him that Octodad loves him, and Octodad is coming to his little league game. Soon… soon.
In the words of Canadian Meat Ambassador Kyle Dorkchop, “April showers may be over, but it’s never too late to look fucking amazing.”
Fashion forward, urban butchers can now bring home much more than just the bacon. Way more.
Bacon Ice Cream
About ¾ qt (¾l)
Like my butcher, I loved the salty taste of bacon with brown sugar, but I’m also going to be folding bits of candy bacon into Coffee Ice Cream in the future. Or maybe get really crazy and try little bits in a batch of Avocado Ice Cream.
If you don’t have half-and-half, simply mix together heavy cream and whole milk in equal proportions. I’m not sure about dairy alternatives, but since this doesn’t fall into the vegan category, I think this time I’m off the hook. ; )
For the candied bacon;
5 strips bacon
about 2 tablespoons light brown sugar
For the ice cream custard:
3 tablespoons (45g) salted butter
¾ cup (packed) brown sugar (170g), light or dark (you can use either)
2¾ (675ml) cup half-and-half
5 large egg yolks
2 teaspoons dark rum or whiskey
¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
optional: ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1. To candy the bacon, preheat the oven to 400F (200C).
2. Lay the strips of bacon on a baking sheet lined with a silicone mat or aluminum foil, shiny side down.
3. Sprinkle 1½-2 teaspoons of brown sugar evenly over each strip of bacon, depending on length.
4. Bake for 12-16 minutes. Midway during baking, flip the bacon strips over and drag them through the dark, syrupy liquid that’s collected on the baking sheet. Continue to bake until as dark as mahogany. Remove from oven and cool the strips on a wire rack.
5. Once crisp and cool, chop into little pieces, about the size of grains of rice.
(Bacon bits can be stored in an airtight container and chilled for a day or so, or stored in the freezer a few weeks ahead.)
6. To make the ice cream custard, melt the butter in a heavy, medium-size saucepan. Stir in the brown sugar and half of the half-and-half. Pour the remaining half-and-half into a bowl set in an ice bath and set a mesh strainer over the top.
7. In a separate bowl, stir together the egg yolks, then gradually add some of the warm brown sugar mixture to them, whisking the yolks constantly as you pour. Pour the mixture back into the saucepan.
8. Cook over low to moderate heat, constantly stirring and scraping the bottom with a heatproof spatula, until the custard thickens enough to coat the spatula.
9. Strain the custard into the half-and-half, stirring over the ice bath, until cool. Add liquor, vanilla and cinnamon, if using.
10. Refrigerate the mixture. Once thoroughly chilled, freeze in your ice cream maker according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Add the bacon bits during the last moment of churning, or stir them in when you remove the ice cream from the machine.
Holy shit is right, these are actual business cards, made on beef jerky.
We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.
Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS.
