Meat Truck

“Seriously, look at it… It looks like a fruit rollup and smells like a chemical version of paprika.”

Tofu Bacon review cont…

Captain Corndog vs. Baron Von Broccoli
It’s the brawl to end them all! Captain Corndog and Baron Von Broccoli will settle their ongoing feud once and for all in a knock-down, drag-out battle. The winner will become the undisputed feature dish of your kitchen! Captain Corndog stands 5-3/4″ tall and fights for the delicious legion of carnival food. Baron Von Broccoli is 3-3/8″ tall and represents the power of produce. Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs.

Editors notes:

First, why does Captain Corndog get the eye patch instead of Baron Von Broccoli??  If I asked you to close your eyes and imagine Baron Von Broccoli and then sketch it, you’d give him an eye patch.  Epic afro by the way.  And check out Captain Corndog’s legs, I love how he has one stick leg and one aftermarket appendage.  Although I bet money the first design gave him two aftermarket legs and the stick part looked all kinds of wrong.

I also have an urge to see these guys in a breakdance battle.  Von Broccoli would kick it off with a little top-rock and then down into a 10 minute head spin.  Easy.

You already saw Bacon vs Tofu, get ready for the fight of the decade!  Come watch the Skillet Sizzler pop the lid of that jive ass mayonnaise chump.  Sheeeit, mayonnaise is already whipped, it says so on the label sucka.

Yo, peep that fight card too.  I’m looking forward to Kung Fu Banana and his chiquita throwing stars.

Where:

Heaven Nightclub

172 South Washington St
Seattle, WA
(206) 622-1863

When:

Thursday, October 30th  7:00 pm

Here it is, the fight of the century: Bacon vs Tofu

I have my favorites in this match up, but there are many variables that could effect the outcome of this fight…

Bacon Pros:

1. Height/Reach advantage
2. Trim build – energy is more easily conserved.
3. Big mitts – very heavy handed.
4. High fat content – great for absorbing punishment, although his cut is thin which could be a factor.

Bacon Cons:

1. Long torso – provides a lot of surface area for body blows, could effect stamina.
2. High center of gravity – look for Tofu to shoot in for take-downs.
3. Thin body – internal organs protected by just a thin layer of bacon. Tofu’s strikes have potential to cause serious internal damage.
4. Cardiovascular conditioning won’t be top level due to high fat diet. Conditioning may be an issue.

Tofu Pros:

1. Healthy diet – High protein and low fat diets will provide for a lean and strong Tofu, which can pay dividends in the late rounds.
2. Low center of gravity – Tofu will not be an easy take-down.
3. Old-timey mustache and monocle – this would indicate Tofu typically has something up his sleeve. Tofu could turn out to be a crafty veteran. Tofu was fined in 1928 for use of dynamite and a railway car.
4. Thick/short body mass – Tofu’s body is designed to take blows. Bacon will have to execute precision striking.

Tofu Cons:

1. Limited defenses – Tofu cannot physically reach to protect every area of his body. It is also unlikely he is able to reach his own hands together, therefore most submissions and opponent clinch control maneuvers will be impossible.
2. Vision – Monocles cannot structurally be secured to the face without the aid of the muscles surrounding the eye. If Tofu loses focus, he could drop the monocle and sacrifice vision loss in his right eye. Look for Bacon to pepper that eye with strikes.
3. Density – Tofu is thick and heavy. Although he is likely in great condition, he will expend more energy than particularly coming up off the ground.
4. Limited offenses – Striking and kicking will be limited weapons at his size. Look for Tofu to work the ground game and utilize his strength.

This fight really could go either way. Bacon needs to rely on his reach, keep quick feet going and pin point those heavy hands. Bacon wants to keep out of the ground game with Tofu, as take downs would be an easy solution to the reach. Bacon has to throw laser guided bombs and work that right eye of Tofu, but he’s got to look out for the crafty veteran in that situation, Tofu could get desperate. If Bacon can keep the fight on its feet, look for a later round knock out.

Tofu wants to press the pace and close the distance on Bacon. Once Bacon’s heart rate starts to rise, he’s in trouble. If Tofu can weather those heavy hands and work his strength inside for a take down, look for Tofu for a submission in the 2nd or 3rd round, but he’s got to close the gap. Defense and vision are an issue for Tofu, he cannot win standing toe to toe.